Sharing is Caring, and Pretty Intimidating

Welcome back into the messy mind of Morgan! First, a quick update on my transformation into a real SoCal girl: in my pursuit to become perfectly sun-kissed like the Cali girls from the movies, I have come to the conclusion that not only is 30 SPF insufficient for my fair skin underneath the Golden Coast's sun, but my return to Nebraska will also make way for the book I'm writing called "A Series of Unfortunate Sunburns." Just kidding, I'm not going to write a book, but I do have about four different sets of tan lines--all results of horrible sunburns caused by my love for naps on the beach. I will miss that more than anything when I leave here. Laying out on the burning sand and drifting away to the sound of worship music and my Heavenly Father whispering lovely songs of affection into my ear has become a form of resting in God's perfection for me.

Now, for the real update: Evangelizing! Since most of you reading this have supported my way to San Diego, it's only fair for you all to hear about the real reason I came to California this summer.  I go to the SDSU campus every Monday to share my faith with college students in different forms.  We use Soularium (a picture survey used to hear their thoughts on God), Perspective Cards (a different survey that gets deeper spiritually, quicker), and today we did what is called "conversational evangelism."  The latter form of sharing turned me into a giant pile of jelly that had no understanding of the english language.  I love making conversation with people I don't know (I am my mother's daughter after all), but when it's in a casual setting. So, I have a fight to pick with the person who decided I needed to go up to random people in pursuit of "casual" conversation (i.e. a conversation that I know needs to go in the direction of spirituality).  Of course I'm only bothered by this evangelism technique because it puts me out of my comfort zone, which includes a safety net in the form of people thinking I'm not bothersome.  So the first day we did this, I made Cam start the conversation we had with a guy named Nate at SDSU, and naturally God proved to me that the things I am afraid of are silly and minute.  Nate was super open to talking to us, and really we just got to know him like we were making friends.  We asked about his favorite things to do in the city, how long he'd been in school, what his dream job was...normal things.  Once we got to asking what his spiritual life was like, he shut down a bit, only answering with a few words and vaguely expressing his disinterest to know God any more than he does.  While conversations like this can be discouraging, it's so important to remember that God sends out multitudes of people to do a multitude of work.  Some of his workers are sent to plant the seeds of the gospel, some are sent to water those seeds, and then there are the harvesters.  Part of me is just dying to be a harvester, at least once, but so far God has been using me with the intent to plant and water, and I'm learning to LOVE this job.  Instead of walking away from conversations that fizzle out to an awkward "well, see you around then I hope" with the sense that I have failed at evangelizing, I am able to walk away praying for God to continue to send people into that person's life, and knowing that He will because that is a promise He has made.  As a Christian, you have to remember that sometimes you won't see the fruits of your labor in those relationships you pour in to.  It's a hard thought, but something that God has increasingly revealed in my life.  So, even if I'm not seeing the people I share with come to Christ, I am still planting and watering those seeds of the gospel that will one day grow into a relationship with God.

If you have supported me financially or in prayer, know that you are a part of every conversation I have.  Every time I get the opportunity to share the gospel with someone, YOU are aiding in that person's journey to Christ! I'm so grateful to have this journey with you all!

In other news that falls into the category of "really cool things God is doing in San Diego," my Heavenly Father is filling me with this immense joy that I haven't felt in such a long time! I wrote a while back about my depression and how I could feel that darkness creeping back into my heart, and while everyone responded with amazing support and love, I arrived in San Diego feeling it even worse than I did all year.  But the more I spend time with God by myself the more He is replacing that emptiness and loneliness with  a light and joy that I can not even put into words! Who knew the solution to my problem was literally at my fingertips this entire time.  I watched a Beth Moore clip today, and one thing she said stuck out to me a lot. She said, "in the darkness of this world, all you have to do is stretch your hands out in front of you.  God is right there saying, 'stay right there, I'm coming to get you.  I'm right here'."  Wow.  I always knew that God wanted to meet me where I was at, but I always assumed that there would have to be a little bit of moving on my end. All he wants from me is to stretch my arms out and say "God, it's so dark in here. I can't see a thing. Help." and He will be right there.  This resonates so much in my heart because the illustration of being in a pitch black room is exactly how I felt when my plane took off from Epply Airport back in May.  This summer has consisted of me reaching my arms out and crying out for God, and He has shown up to save me in so many ways!

I hope and pray that God is working in all of your hearts the way He is in mine, and I challenge all of you to spend alone time with Him outside of the church.  Lock yourself away for an hour or two, turn on some worship and praise, get into the word, and just rest in God's goodness and grace.  It will make such a difference in the way you go about your day and the way your heart is growing, I promise. Start in the gospel and become so familiar with what Christ did on this earth that you can think of a story to apply to everything that happens to you.  Sing at the top of your lungs the praise that is in your heart.  Write your prayers out in a journal.  Read them over. and over. and over.  Talk to someone about how He spoke to you.  Tell them about his sweet whispers or his rumbling commands.  Describe your convictions and process your questions out loud.  God wants to spend time with you. It is vain to say "I love God" if you can't say "I seek God".  God wants YOU and YOUR heart. Every single bit of it.  

Lots of roommates and even more baptisms

Hello, friends! I know I've been pretty MIA since my arrival in the beautiful city of San Diego, California, but the Cali life is a busy one and I have been creating memories and stories to share with you all! God has been revealing Himself is outstanding ways and I have been presented with so many opportunities to share the word and glory of our Wonderful Creator!

The most prominent thing that God has been doing while I've been is San Diego is answering a prayer of mine that has been crying out for a community of believers like myself.  I began asking for girlfriends who loved God as much and I did and who were just as messy as I was, back in May of last year, right around graduation.  He first answered that prayer when I met the beautiful Kayla while in Wayne, and I just figured He would stop there since there hadn't been any signs of Him sending me anyone else.  As usual, I doubted God's abilities to provide and He put me in San Diego, with 13 roommates.  INSANE, right? I thought it was going to be a lot of drama and very dirty bathrooms, but instead I was met with a group of girls who had immense love for God and the same desire for community that I had.  It's only five weeks in to my trip, and I already would do anything for these girls.  It's such a blessing to have a community of girls around me 24 hours a day who are so encouraging and are always pointing me back to the gospel in my times of need.

Speaking of encouraging, I haven't had the chance to tell you all about my super amazing discipler, Cheyanne.  She was so excited to meet me and the rest of our DNA group that she called us each before project even started to tell us she was praying for us every day.  The day I arrived to project, she hugged me like we had known each other for years and were reuniting, not just meeting.  Cheyanne is such a light and a joy to have in my life, and she has been endlessly encouraging and supportive throughout all my questions.  I was wrestling with the idea of being "re-baptized" the past year or so, and having spoken to one person who told me it wasn't necessary, I was discouraged from pursing that.  Cheyanne explained that there aren't "rules" to baptism; at the core, it's a symbol to publicly declare your commitment to God. A few days following that conversation, she baptized me in the Pacific Ocean with about 50 other students from project!

I love this photo of us because I have never seen so much joy in my face, and I can see the excitement in Cheyanne's face as well! I am so excited to have been baptized by someone who has invested so much in my life in such a small amount of time. 

This weekend, Cheyanne will be leaving to continue her adventure in East Asia.  I am overjoyed to see her following God's calling for her and to see His provision in her life, but I am so sad to see her go! 

God has blessed me tremendously this summer, and the best part is that I still have five weeks to go! I can't wait to see where else the Spirit leads me while I'm here.  I miss you all dearly, but San Diego will be hard to leave!

Turning to God in all situations

These past few weeks have been tougher than any week I ever experienced in high school.  I'll be frank: college is hard. It's hard when you are double majoring in biology and math with a minor in saving the world, and it's hard when you are majoring in the department of netflix and naps.  Majoring in electronic media, aka "making videos and studying social media," isn't exactly the most grueling focus I could have chosen, but here I am, stressed as ever and blogging in a red-bull induced frenzy as a result of staying up until 3 in the morning writing papers upon papers that are all due in the same 24 hour period.  Study week has taken me, bullied me into becoming a recluse locked in the library, beaten me up, and ruined my shower schedule. I'm assuming it's planning on throwing me into the dumpster behind my dorm as it's final act of revenge on me for ever thinking I could take on the last two weeks of class by myself.


Seriously, Morgan, where is this going?  You just describe study week as a bully that's not even a good use of personification. I know, and here's the point: I thought I could do this without turning to God in the midst of my stress, and now I am paying for it by dropping five dollars on a red bull smoothie and talking nonsense because of how exhausted I am.  When I sat down last week and mapped out my study week and final week, I knew how strenuous it would be, and yet I decided to do it on my own.  You'd think I would learn by now--every time I try to take a situation and do it without confiding in my Heavenly Father, I fail miserably.  I'm still learning how to recognize when I'm preparing to do so ahead of time, but obviously I haven't gotten there quite yet.

But the truth is, it wasn't just this week that I made a conscious decision to not seek God in my troubles. This has been a growing problem for the last couple of weeks.  But, I am lucky to have the Holy Spirit in me, constantly convicting me to speak out, and I am lucky to have a bible study full of godly women who are the most supportive people I've ever known.

Last Monday, our study was focused on the lie that our struggles are something we have to go through alone, and how the reality is that God wants us to be so deeply rooted in community that we can share our struggles and be supported by our brothers and sisters in Christ.  While listening to the leaders speak, I was distracted.  There was something pulling in my heart, a voice in my head saying you need to tell someone about this.  I can always tell when the Spirit is pushing me to share something when my heart starts beating really fast and I feel each breath I take getting heavier, which is how I felt on Monday and how I feel now writing this post.

At this point, unless you're my parents, my bible study, or my counselor, there is a good chance you don't know my "secret."  What God was wanting me to share with my bible study, and what He wants be to share with you reading this now, is that I struggle with depression.  I was diagnosed in March of my senior year.  The road to that March was a long, demanding, and stressful one full of denial, screaming matches with my mother, and plenty of tears.  The road ended with a note taped to my mom's mirror, finally recognizing the darkness I could physically feel inside of myself, and asking for therapy.  This was easily the hardest thing I have ever done, because I was too prideful to admit that I a) wasn't perfect and b) needed help.

Flash forward to the second semester of my freshman year in a smalltown, USA college.  I'm having the absolute time of my life here and have met people that I know will be in my life for a very very long time.  I help with the junior high youth group at my church and have grown in my faith more than I thought was even possible.  I also thought that this new and exciting life I had meant my depression was gone.  I hadn't felt the emptiness and darkness that I was so familiar with in high school since I moved in back in August, and I felt so close to God all the time. It never crossed my mind that depression was something that could come back.  I thought my four weeks of therapy had cured me, and yet here I am, feeling that emptiness all over, as if it never left.

I choked on my tears as I told my bible study about this.  I told them every bit of it without knowing where the words were coming from.  I tried to recount the indescribable feeling of hopelessness I woke up and went to sleep with.  I confessed that I had days where I wished I could go to sleep and never wake up, and when I did wake up to my dismay, I put on a smile for the people who care the most about me so they wouldn't worry. Throughout the weeks of gray that I was going through, I made it a point to avoid my bible and ignore God.  I had no desire to hear what He had to say to me.

I'm not sure how I was expecting them to react, but how they responded to my story is something I will never forget.  They told me I was brave for sharing, and that they wanted to be here for me in all of my struggle.  They prayed for me right there, and showed me love and support that I forgot existed in the world.  I cried so much, but this time my tears were a result of gratitude.  As they prayed, I could feel the darkness inside me being lit, and I could feel my heart slowly opening back up to my Savior.  The next day, my future roommate texted me saying that she had been thinking about me, and that I was a blessing in her life.  I cannot express how grateful I am for these girls, and how they are more of a blessing in my life than I could ever be to them.  God answered so many of my summer prayers when He put this group of girls together for a bible study.

The reality of my situation is that I may feel alone and hopeless, but my God wants nothing more than for me to know that I will never ever been alone, and every ounce of hope I could ever ask for is found in Jesus Christ.  I'm not cured, and my battle is not over, but I can only trust in Jesus to get me through the hardships.  There is no situation that is too heavy for God to carry, and you will never be a burden to Him.  I am learning to lean on Him and to confide in Him for everything. 

Your depression does not define you.  You are not your weaknesses.  This is a part of your testimony, not the end of your story.  I will never stop loving you, even in your darkest days.  Turns out, all those weeks I had been ignoring God, He was trying to tell me some pretty important things.



"As for me, I call to God, and The Lord saves me . Evening morning, and noon I cry out in distress and He hears my voice" Psalm 55:16-17

My Support Raising Adventure

The Lord has shown me a lot in the past few weeks in regards to what it means to let go.  I always have been extremely stubborn and while I have often said “I’m giving God control of my life,” I never really knew what I was committing to or what that really means.  Since my acceptance to the San Diego Summer Project, my eyes have really been open to what letting go of control really means.  Raising $3,200 in a matter of just a few months is no easy task, and I have been intimidated by those 4 numbers ever since I received my acceptance email.  I wrote, lost, and re-wrote my support letter, awkwardly waited by the library printer for 100 copies, hand addressed each envelope, and prayed over each stack of letters as I dropped them into the mail box.  As I was sending out my first group of letters, I stopped before placing them into the box to pray.  I thought to myself how do I pray for a bunch of letters??

That was the moment when I realized that what little amount of control I had over this project was being place directly into God’s hands once I dropped those letters into the mailbox.  I went into this adventure of raising support thinking that I would do it myself and just hope that God would be there helping me along.  I now know that in order for me to get to San Diego, I have to let go of all the control and rest in the fact that Our Father is faithful and that He will provide.  My prayers have changed from “God, help me do well raising this money,” to “God, you are faithful and I am confident in your promises to provide for me in all situations.”

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about you life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away  in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single day to your life?” Matthew 6:25-27

To me, the part of these verses that stands out to me is that last verse “can any one of you by worrying add a single day to your life?” When I worry about whether or not I’ll make my goal, or if I’m going to be stressed getting a job, or anything of the sort, I’m only doing myself a disservice.  I am giving over all my worries, doubts, and fears to God and all control of this project has been released from my hands.  At this point, all I can do is pray pray pray and stay faithful.

Whether the Lord is convicting you to support me monetarily or prayerfully, I am absolutely grateful. You are all a part of this mission project.  I have been blessed with knowing so many amazing people who love God with all their hearts, and I am elated that we are able to share this adventure together!