Turning to God in all situations

These past few weeks have been tougher than any week I ever experienced in high school.  I'll be frank: college is hard. It's hard when you are double majoring in biology and math with a minor in saving the world, and it's hard when you are majoring in the department of netflix and naps.  Majoring in electronic media, aka "making videos and studying social media," isn't exactly the most grueling focus I could have chosen, but here I am, stressed as ever and blogging in a red-bull induced frenzy as a result of staying up until 3 in the morning writing papers upon papers that are all due in the same 24 hour period.  Study week has taken me, bullied me into becoming a recluse locked in the library, beaten me up, and ruined my shower schedule. I'm assuming it's planning on throwing me into the dumpster behind my dorm as it's final act of revenge on me for ever thinking I could take on the last two weeks of class by myself.


Seriously, Morgan, where is this going?  You just describe study week as a bully that's not even a good use of personification. I know, and here's the point: I thought I could do this without turning to God in the midst of my stress, and now I am paying for it by dropping five dollars on a red bull smoothie and talking nonsense because of how exhausted I am.  When I sat down last week and mapped out my study week and final week, I knew how strenuous it would be, and yet I decided to do it on my own.  You'd think I would learn by now--every time I try to take a situation and do it without confiding in my Heavenly Father, I fail miserably.  I'm still learning how to recognize when I'm preparing to do so ahead of time, but obviously I haven't gotten there quite yet.

But the truth is, it wasn't just this week that I made a conscious decision to not seek God in my troubles. This has been a growing problem for the last couple of weeks.  But, I am lucky to have the Holy Spirit in me, constantly convicting me to speak out, and I am lucky to have a bible study full of godly women who are the most supportive people I've ever known.

Last Monday, our study was focused on the lie that our struggles are something we have to go through alone, and how the reality is that God wants us to be so deeply rooted in community that we can share our struggles and be supported by our brothers and sisters in Christ.  While listening to the leaders speak, I was distracted.  There was something pulling in my heart, a voice in my head saying you need to tell someone about this.  I can always tell when the Spirit is pushing me to share something when my heart starts beating really fast and I feel each breath I take getting heavier, which is how I felt on Monday and how I feel now writing this post.

At this point, unless you're my parents, my bible study, or my counselor, there is a good chance you don't know my "secret."  What God was wanting me to share with my bible study, and what He wants be to share with you reading this now, is that I struggle with depression.  I was diagnosed in March of my senior year.  The road to that March was a long, demanding, and stressful one full of denial, screaming matches with my mother, and plenty of tears.  The road ended with a note taped to my mom's mirror, finally recognizing the darkness I could physically feel inside of myself, and asking for therapy.  This was easily the hardest thing I have ever done, because I was too prideful to admit that I a) wasn't perfect and b) needed help.

Flash forward to the second semester of my freshman year in a smalltown, USA college.  I'm having the absolute time of my life here and have met people that I know will be in my life for a very very long time.  I help with the junior high youth group at my church and have grown in my faith more than I thought was even possible.  I also thought that this new and exciting life I had meant my depression was gone.  I hadn't felt the emptiness and darkness that I was so familiar with in high school since I moved in back in August, and I felt so close to God all the time. It never crossed my mind that depression was something that could come back.  I thought my four weeks of therapy had cured me, and yet here I am, feeling that emptiness all over, as if it never left.

I choked on my tears as I told my bible study about this.  I told them every bit of it without knowing where the words were coming from.  I tried to recount the indescribable feeling of hopelessness I woke up and went to sleep with.  I confessed that I had days where I wished I could go to sleep and never wake up, and when I did wake up to my dismay, I put on a smile for the people who care the most about me so they wouldn't worry. Throughout the weeks of gray that I was going through, I made it a point to avoid my bible and ignore God.  I had no desire to hear what He had to say to me.

I'm not sure how I was expecting them to react, but how they responded to my story is something I will never forget.  They told me I was brave for sharing, and that they wanted to be here for me in all of my struggle.  They prayed for me right there, and showed me love and support that I forgot existed in the world.  I cried so much, but this time my tears were a result of gratitude.  As they prayed, I could feel the darkness inside me being lit, and I could feel my heart slowly opening back up to my Savior.  The next day, my future roommate texted me saying that she had been thinking about me, and that I was a blessing in her life.  I cannot express how grateful I am for these girls, and how they are more of a blessing in my life than I could ever be to them.  God answered so many of my summer prayers when He put this group of girls together for a bible study.

The reality of my situation is that I may feel alone and hopeless, but my God wants nothing more than for me to know that I will never ever been alone, and every ounce of hope I could ever ask for is found in Jesus Christ.  I'm not cured, and my battle is not over, but I can only trust in Jesus to get me through the hardships.  There is no situation that is too heavy for God to carry, and you will never be a burden to Him.  I am learning to lean on Him and to confide in Him for everything. 

Your depression does not define you.  You are not your weaknesses.  This is a part of your testimony, not the end of your story.  I will never stop loving you, even in your darkest days.  Turns out, all those weeks I had been ignoring God, He was trying to tell me some pretty important things.



"As for me, I call to God, and The Lord saves me . Evening morning, and noon I cry out in distress and He hears my voice" Psalm 55:16-17